It really is time to hunker down and get serious about this getting fit business. Up until now it’s been something that I’ve been aware of, especially when I’m out of breath from climbing a flight of stairs, or not able to play with Liam the way I want to. But none of that seemed to give me the motivation that I needed. Sure I had lost about 10 pounds early in 2010, but without CONSTANT VIGILANCE I slipped off the wagon and was sitting under it munching on cookies. The thought of getting healthy would creep into my consciousness every now and then, but was easily shooed away.

Well last Thursday gave me the motivation. After a week of cramps and general discomfort that I attributed to a heavy period, I started feeling worse around 6:00 PM when we were out for dinner. I wanted to buy a new camera afterwards, so I pushed the pain aside and carried on. During the bus ride home, things continued to get worse, but I still convinced myself that I was fine and it would pass. By the 3 block walk home from the bus stop, I was nearly in tears. But I was alone with Liam as Hilary had stopped off to pick up her asthma prescription. I didn’t want to scare Liam and I really didn’t want to make a scene at the side of the road, even though all I really wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. Liam was a trooper! He held my hand, talked reassuringly to me – “just a little bit further Mama”, “pretend it’s like getting the flu shot and don’t think about the hurt, think about something happy” – all the way home. He sat outside the bathroom door while I doubled over in pain and let the tears and yelps of pain come. Once Hilary got home and I realized that I could not just walk this off, I admitted defeat and we headed to the ER. Our amazing friend Sandy drove us, then brought Liam home with her once we saw how long the wait was going to be. It was a good call since I ended up being there for 18 hours!

After all the tests and the waiting and the poking, I left with a diagnosis of uterine fibroids. By the time I actually saw a doctor (at 5:00 in the morning) the pain had started to fade on its own. I was pain free for 2 days, but now the feeling of pressure and cramping is starting up again. I have an appointment to see my family doctor next Monday so that we can start the discussions of what this means and what can be done. Because I don’t know that I could survive pain like that again.

All of this left me with the knowledge that I need to get in better shape. Being overweight can be a cause of fibroids, and really, I’m just not healthy over all. So I need to concentrate on the whole – weight, exercise, mental and emotional health. In the past, I’ve only ever concerned myself with weight and calorie control. I would exercise a bit as a means of losing weight, but never with any sort of regularity. It’s a bit of a vicious circle – I need to exercise to lose weight and get healthy, but I feel that I can’t exercise till I lose weight and get healthier.

I’m back to tracking my food and calories, as I find that if I don’t write it down and keep track of it, I very easily get into the habit of snacking and eating too much. I’m actually not finding it that hard to cut down my calories to the 1800 mark, and I am making better choices – fruit vs. cookies – but I also don’t feel like I’m denying myself anything. The 100 calorie cookies and chocolate bar snacks are the best inventions ever!

Now I need to find away to be more active. I’m trying to walk at lunch every day, weather permitting. But once I get home at 5:30, I’m wiped! The idea of going for a walk or working out is overwhelming. I don’t have a solution to this, but I’m going to try!